I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
