My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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