it's too hot outside to masturbate.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
