youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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