Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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