Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
