When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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