Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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