I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize