I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
