I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
