No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
