I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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