She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
