When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
