I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize