I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
