Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
