My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
