I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
