Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
