I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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