peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
