Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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