remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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