im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
