You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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