What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize