so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Never joke about your clitoris.
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