apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
