The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
