Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
