I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
zippers are such a cool invention
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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