Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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