Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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