Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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