I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
