i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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