Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize