I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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