please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize