I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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