Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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