Dude my mom stole all your condoms
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
