No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
