apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just had sex on a roof
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
