i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
