I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
