Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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