Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize