My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
