my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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