do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
