I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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