So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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