Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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