I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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