It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
