You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize