me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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